To my blog readers: I'm venting here today because yesterday, when this event happened, I used an extraordinary amount of restraint in not letting loose with various profanities and bird-flying while my kiddos were in the car. So here, in the realms of cyberspace and out of the earshots of said minors, I'm purging myself of my road rage. Thanks for listening.
I must apologize for so rudely entering and using the left lane on I-25 yesterday. Apparently, I didn't get the memo stating that lane exists solely for your benefit and usage. I must have been temporarily blinded by the retina-burning yellow paint and overabundance of chrome on your vehicle. Your subtle, elegant taste is apparent. And I'm guessing the lovely faux testicles hanging from your hitch are there to overcompensate for your lack of virility. (Oooooh, TESTES! You da man!)
The fact that you were able to tailgate me, all while talking on your cell phone and drinking your Starbuck's shows an impressive capacity for multitasking. Unfortunately, it can't compensate for the fact that you are going bald. And, if I had to guess, I'd say your bassed-out sound system probably makes your beer belly jiggle. But hopefully your pimped-out SUV makes you feel better about these shortcomings.
Too bad money can't buy you manners (or decent driving skills) because you've obviously sunk a large chunk of disposable income into your man-mobile. I can't help but think it would have been a helluva lot cheaper to have just had the words I NEED ATTENTION tattooed on your forehead. Asshat.