Unless you're living under a rock, by now you've heard that Slumdog swept the night with eight awards, Sean Penn gave an impassioned plea for gay marriage during his acceptance speech, and Ben Stiller proved his comic genius with a dead-on portrayal of the (not an actor) Joaquin Phoenix. But what you might not know is that there are still more awards to be handed out. And that's where I come in. Without further ado, I give you the Gettin' By 2009 Overlooked Oscar Awards. Your naked gold statues are in the mail!
The Best Impression of A Golf Ball Award
OK, so I can't insert a photo on this one, but you can see him here: Jay Manuel. His polka-dot white dinner coat so closely resembled the dimples on a golf ball you almost could overlook his blindingly white teeth and overly plucked browns. Almost. I'd be willing to bet he spent more time in the makeup chair than most of our ladies this evening.
The Award for Most Closely Matching Skin & Hair Color:
Someone really should tell Sophia Loren that the Oompa Loompa tan is so 2007. Or maybe she thought the abundance of chiffon ruffles would balance her orange glow? Makes me wonder if she's got a roll of toilet paper under that skirt:
Moving on.....
The "I Wrapped Myself In Red Butcher Paper and Hope to Distract You With Lots of Tacky Jewels and Baubles" Award:
I can hear the Project Runway rejects gasping now. The dress alone might have been alright. The jewelry with a simpler dress could have worked. But together? It looks like a sixth grade Home Ec/Origami project gone way wrong.
The "I Am A Serious Artist Who Cannot Be Bothered To Wash My Hair for This Event" Award:
Ok, we get it Philip. You're serious about your acting. But a black ski cap? Is the economy really so bad that you can't afford a bottle of shampoo? Or maybe you are planning to rob the nearest convenience store after the ceremony? Well, swipe some hair product while you're there.
The "I Have An Amazing Body But I'm Going To Cover It Up With A Nondescript Satin Bow Thingy" Award:
I love you, Jessica, really I do. And I know you've got Justin waiting for you back home, so tell me, why on earth did you think that dress, with the satin equivalent of a towel rack hanging from your left breast, was doing you any justice? Do I have to remind you what happened to Cameron when she started dressing like this?
The "We're Too Busy Rebuilding New Orleans and Saving Orphans to Bother With Red Carpet Fashion Statements" Award:
YAWN. This is the best Hollywood's "power couple" can do? Angelina, I liked you better when you were wearing vials of blood, channeling Morticia Addams and kissing your brother. At least it was interesting. This is just......snore.
The "My Necklace Weighs More Than Me" Award:
I really could've loved this dress, Amy. It's a stunning color and the fit was perfection. But the skirt-attached-to-bodice was just distracting. And the necklace completely overwhelmed you. I don't know where to look, so I'm just going to look away.
The "Wardrobe Malfunction Just Waiting To Happen" Award:
I can only imagine the male onlookers at the red carpet were praying she'd drop an earring and have to bend down. (And by the smirk on Matthew's face, you know he's thinking it, too.) Free nipple show, anyone? SJP herself called the dress "barely mint," though I think "barely covering areolas" would have been more appropriate.
The "Madame Tussaud's Life-Like Impersonation" Award:
Oh Beyonce. You're lucky Jay Z already put a ring on it, because with this look you'd still be a single lady. We all got the memo a few years back that you are bootylicious. No need to keep reminding us with skin-tight mermaid dresses. Can you even simulate real-life motion with your knees locked together like that? Oh, and Elvis called. He wants his velvet wallpaper back.
So let's wrap this up on a good note, ok?
The "I Clean Up Damn Good" Award goes to...
Robert Downey, Jr. for his amazing transformation into this clean-cut, healthy, happy version of himself. I loved every little bit of him. And the way he kept throwing endearing glances at his gorgeous wife all evening? Swoon! You can be my Iron Man any day, RD!
And that, my friends, is my two cents worth on the Oscar Fashions. So tell me, what were your faves? And who should be firing their stylist today? Dish!
