It's no secret to most of you that I am a big fan of food. I've been know to suffer through a 10-mile run, motivated solely by the fact that when I'm done, I can scarf down a cheeseburger guilt-free. In fact, I'll do just about any exercise with the proverbial " food carrot" dangling in front of me. Though it's never an actual carrot...more like carrot cake. With lots of cream cheese frosting, duh.
So when Mike and I started the Whole30 diet plan last week in an effort to get ourselves "spring break ready," I was suddenly faced with a menu devoid of many of my favorite food groups. (Psst...these crazy health people actually think candy corn is not a vegetable! Wha?!) I'm truly trying to stay true to the plan, really I am. It's only 30 days - thirty long, sad, sugar-free days - but here are the five things my taste buds are seriously missing.
1// La Tortilla Factory Green Chile Corn Tortillas. There's not really any Mexican food that makes the cut on this meal plan, but these delicious soft tortillas are definitely not allowed. Something about corn and flour being elements of unadulterated evil (these Whole30 people are not a lot of fun) but I'm not quite buying it. Wrap these around some good ol' refried beans and cheese and you're as close to heaven as it gets, baby.
2// Cupcake Sauvignon Blanc. It's not just my favorite wine that's disallowed, it's all alcohol in general. Which means instead of having a glass of wine or a local microbrew before bed, I just go straight to bed and cry into my pillow. This getting healthy thing is so much fun!
3// OZO Espresso Isabelle Lattes. Giving up alcohol is one thing, but giving up my morning latte? Hold me. You actually can have black coffee on the plan but the steamed 2% milk I normally add is a no go. Whole30 suggests using coconut milk instead of cow's milk, which sounds good in theory, unless you actually have taste buds. I tried it and hereby proclaim to be nasty. There is a reason coconuts don't have udders, i'mjustsaying.
4// Veritable Chaumes Brie. I love just about any kind of cheese (ok, maybe not the really stinky ones) and can, in fact, make a meal out of cheese and wine alone. Add some crusty bread and I'll don a beret and my best French accent and put on an authentic Moulin Rouge show. But sadly, the three main components of this festive cabaret are expressly forbidden on Whole30. Which really should piss France off.
5// Cadbury Creme Eggs. I probably should have given a bit more thought to the timing of this whole diet. It happens to fall over the months when my FAVORITE CANDY IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD is in peak season. My solution is merely to stockpile them in my freezer until the end of March and then embark on an incredible, edible egg adventure. SUCK ON THAT, WHOLE30.
I'm not sure if this post has been therapeutic or tortuous for me today. But at any rate, feel free to imbibe in any of the above in my honor. I'll just be enjoying my delicious kale and beets as I stare longingly (and try to refrain from licking) my computer screen. Is it March yet?!?